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cos'I needa
elucidate
this floating cloud
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cos'I needa
elucidate
this floating cloud
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 I love this music. |
 wenying says hi
Optimist, sunshine, nature, apples, clouds, animals, walking, being me, air-rifle, sketching, music, laughing with friends, reading, living each day to the fullest
'On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. |
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 Friday, June 28, 2013 @ 12:27 AMOne of the bad days in disguise of a good one
Dear EL, if only we could meet up and you could pass me to read/ write in
our collective diary, I have so many things to write to you on ink right now.
This very
moment, I feel a great pang of exhaustion. I feel like I’m on the verge of
crying, I really don’t know why either. I shall attempt to describe. It’s
definitely not some bunch of happy tears when you get so overexcited about
something unexpected. It’s not some bunch of sad tears where you feel like you’ve
lost direction in life. It’s something like I don’t really know why and I don’t
really know whether to (get out), and I feel obliged, and yet I don’t know if I
should. I have been feeling like the greatest walking dilemma on the planet I’ve
ever found myself – sometimes doing things that may not necessarily be the best
thing I could do, (but I do it anyway) and realizing that after that, I don’t
really know whether I truly enjoy it. I haven’t got the time to take a break
from all these crap I’m putting myself through to take a good reflection how it
has made me a stronger, or a more stressed person I’ve never met. I don’t
really know myself. I don’t resonate with myself. I don’t sing the same tune to
what my mind normally tells me at times. It’s not in-sync.
Note: I am
writing this after a rather lengthy discussion after a meeting in a place in Singapore,
where I got myself lost then found after that. Writing this after a wanting to
be part of another event (when you already know that you have too much things
to handle on your plate already), not for your own sake, but for the team, or
is it?. Writing this after realizing that sometimes people around you really
really judge and get irritated by little things you do (that you may not realize)
and feel upset about it. I am indeed a frustrated person. A person has an
inlet, and I need this outlet too.
It is not
as though school has been the most carefree thing going on in my life, if I
have the choice to make. I’m a student, a student from physiotherapy. I have so
many things to do. I have so many things I want to do. I have so many things I
need to do. And I don’t know if even for a moment, if you have considered about
it. I am writing you as a very general person, thing, object, space, void,
whatever, take your pick to interpret as long as it makes you understand what I’m
writing here. Have you considered my feelings, my welfare? I don’t know! At
this point I really don’t care about it even if it matters to you! I DON’T
CARE! IT FREAKING MATTERS TO ME, and makes me an upset person when I think of
that lack thereof. It is not in my disposition to be one of a confrontational
kind where I have to sort out the slightest flaw in you. It may be good to
pinpoint it; it may be bad if you don’t bring it across nicely. I’m really
sorry for you, to choose to bottle it up and let it float to heaven when the
clouds blow it away in your dreams.
I can
complain as much as I want here. But I don’t have to. I choose to stop right now.
I don’t
need words of encouragement from you, especially those along ‘I believe in you’
that comes in at the least appropriate time, making it sound like the most
ingenuine piece of crap. I don’t need any of your consolation if your time and
words mean nothing to me. I don’t need… I don’t need answers. I don’t need excellent
suggestions.
I’ll be
better after a good amount of crying.
I need to
be heal myself, muddle through the frustrations. I need a shadow that can watch
over what I’m doing and tell me to stop when I start being foolish again. I
need to start knowing. I need that genuine piece of vague advice. I need true
courage. I need to believe.
I really abhor
it. And I need a break.
Thanks you
for reading my ranting. It is must frustrating to do this before you sleep.. I
wish that you and I can forget it and just go and have a good sleep. Good
night!
NB. The
best she could manage is “are you talking about me?” FML.
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