|
cos'I needa
elucidate
this floating cloud
|
|
|
cos'I needa
elucidate
this floating cloud
|
 I love this music. |
 wenying says hi
Optimist, sunshine, nature, apples, clouds, animals, walking, being me, air-rifle, sketching, music, laughing with friends, reading, living each day to the fullest
'On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. |
 affiliatesmedivids The Wandering Stardust Fayllen Prodigy Lettersfromlauren TravelFolio TravelBlog Thoughtcatalogue Nature 202! JH303 JH403(Geog.Blog) Desiree Yan Hui Cecilia Aloysius Atravelblog Redbubble |
|
 Saturday, January 5, 2013 @ 1:38 AMthe best post of my life.
I don’t think I want to be a doctor anymore and it is
not a passing remark.
Today, I felt elucidated from this cloud of confusion.
I finally understood what I was trapped in and I’m sharing it here.
I believe you would have known that I have been deeply
confused for the last two years and being super-stressed that it is affecting my
lifestyle and life actually – in an adverse manner. I really thank my mother
for loving me and for listening and talking to me today, it made me clearer of
what was bothering me.
Now, I realise that I felt that I was a control-freak.
No. I’m not the kind that controls my family, my friends, where’re you going
out, who you are going out with and stuff. Perhaps, I’m a dictator. I’m just
super in control of my life, the direction I’m going, the plans I take, the
targets that I will achieve, the things I will complete, the deadlines I must
meet. I felt addicted to control myself all of my life, and especially when
things GO ACCORDING to what I am thinking of. If I feel that something is not
going according to “plan” and something is diverting away from my vision, values
and ultimately goal, I’ll do much to get back “on track”. I think I am
ambitious. Very?
Until recently, when I felt that the more I wanted to
keep my eye on this goal, specifically this academic goal, the more I
controlled (or super-controlled – perhaps to a point where I am “perennially searching”,
“lost in a forest” as quoted by my JC1 Chem teacher) the less obvious it was to
me that I was steering out of the path… steering out.
It became torturous to me, to my soul that my head and
heart is not as one. I don’t even know what I was actually doing – when obvious
results seem to me a lousy feedback of my actions I’ve taken, I felt so
doubtful of myself and so grim of life. I worked harder to pull myself back on
track, but the outcome never really expressed itself in such positive ways I’ve
envisioned. I’m not sure whether my will to concentrate was actually my worst
distraction after all - I consciously made myself study; blindly convincing
myself that fun is a distraction. I’ve never made it a point to head down to
the range to meet my juniors and girls after school, convincing myself that
time would be better invested in avoiding the jam and to use all the time for
study - This is because during the break before the final examinations, I relaxed
and didn’t consciously have to concentrate. It made me feel better – as I lost
focus to have been super focused at that point of time. What a misconception!
It is true that like what my mom said, I am so high
and feeling so confident, and then suddenly I crash down, way down and cry for
I am afraid. I hope there are fewer of these outbursts, but it was common in my
life experience during those difficult times. Times that I couldn’t make sense
of myself, when I feel low, when I basically lost trust of myself, my directions
and my conscious. I felt like a crazy compass – the kind where you place a
magnet next to it or use it when you’re near the North. It doesn’t work when the
needle shifts in all directions.
Every cloud has a silver lining. I feel truly
fortunate and thank everybody that has talked to me to make me come to this realization.
My close teachers who have supported me with encouraging words which touched
that tender soul of mine and made me feel more human than my misunderstood robotic-functioning
self (I cry a lot). My supportive friends. It is really important to me to understand
myself. This is the best post of my life.
back to the top?
Back to the point of not wanting to be a doctor, I think maybe I might not be looking for it, I might not be cut for it, and I might not be able to make it. It started out receiving a long-awaited email informing me on a YMCA medical mission trip I've always been wanting to embark on. And then I talked about it to my mother, my plans and everything. She says I'm too accelerated. I think I shall slow down this chase for my desires, and relax and enjoy the moment. Be a human. And not to dismiss other options in the pursuit of a (possibly) outdated goal. |
 Monthly archives |
|
|
|
|