Optimist, sunshine, nature, apples, clouds, animals, walking, being me, air-rifle, sketching, music, laughing with friends, reading, living each day to the fullest
'On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

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It has been a long time since I've posted something long.
And, all these while so many thoughts have been running through my mind, so many things to reflect on, so many things to want to write down so that a memory can be triggered when I come across it once again. 

Project active ageing.
Today was another fun session with the elderly people as we played wii bowling together. It makes one feel joy when you see a smile on another's face. I think words of encouragement, motivation is very important to make someone feel more important, recognised.

On hindsight, during the Cloudy days when my posts were brief and bulleted, it was part of something which supported me much. Words of encouragement allow one to feel recognised and a sense of purpose and achievement. To me, it wouldn't mean anything if it were said by anybody. I don't really believe in "good luck" before the exams from the person right in front of you or beside you. On the other hand, if it were said by a trusted friend or teammate whom have experienced much with me and knew what I needed, and if luck was one of it, it then carries a meaning. Otherwise, these words would be empty; as bland as water - flows through your fingers, never lasts. Hence, I really do appreciate my close friends and family who stood by me when times are tough. May sound cliched but, these are the things which will stick with me; while the world falls away.

Back to the topic, I think its a great activity that we bring joy to the elderly, boost their confidence, bond as well as to bring an element of exercise to it. Its a really nice feeling to be with my team and with the elderly doing something meaningful and knowing that time is well spent right here.

Also while conversing with another elderly, I felt that the youth of today may indeed be more busy and less caring. she told me that she was very keen to learn about upgrading her IT skills just to improve herself (very good!) and also to understand a bit more into the life of her grandson.

I'm guessing that her grandson is like another one of us, perhaps albeit more into gaming and surfing the internet. But, in these age, you see these cyber addicts hooked on devices everywhere trains, buses, while crossing the road, much less to say even at home. Hence, I guess I find smart devices a little repulsive to me, I prefer to have a 'stupid' phone where I can settle with it being charged just once a week.

It seems to me that people nowadays are too busy, too busy to care. I take that for real. Well, in my case it matters to me a lot to communicate with my elders and family.  

Note to self:
- last min planning, good chemistry, participation despite rain, equal opportunities, pleasantly surprised. 
- went ahead, minute changes which obstructed smooth flow with newbies, more interaction, positive feedback, constructive debrief, good end but don't know what to expect next session. 


My ohthree life.
Just recently, I've attended a class gathering - something which I have not joined in months. Knowing that it is the last one in our graduating year and that I've missed out (or boycotted it actually) prom, I felt a terrible want to join in.

These years, these four years which we have spent together as a class, I've felt myself mature more in various ways as an individual. If any classmate happens to read this, I've always felt guilty. Guilty, in a sense that I've not been wanting to join in. Guilty, because I've not known you (all) as a person through these four years together. Just a feeling of being unhappy. As I carry out solo walks by myself and think about my class, I've always felt that I've a speech planned since eons ago right at the back of my mind to say how much I REALLY would have loved to know you guys more. However, again I feel that things may turn out this way, partly also because of my inconveniences.

I've never really warmed up with you guys (I think). I feel like a contradicting person when i'm with you, and that makes me feel troubled. Yes perhaps that's part of what my character is (i might explain later). But, with certain people around I don't feel comfortable and I end up shutting to myself. All talks are trivia and meaningless, and I dislike such things. Point is, deep down i've been hurt by the actions or the words of some.

Hence, sometimes you label some people from girls school to be of a certain breed - a breed called bitchie. I still cannot forget how I have felt ostracised/bullied or to some extent, because of certain things which I have no idea of. through junior high years. It was difficult in finding trust. and then, in senior high years, I wanted to ignore or ostracise you guys, just not talking to you. because, fundamentally I believe that we have nothing in common to talk about. And again, I hate trivia.

I know that that may be a wrong perception. I might be thinking of you guys to be the girls who's all about brands, shopping, saying stupid irrelevant stuff, singing. I mean, you guys are a fun bunch to hang out with, especially in the first few weeks of junior high, then something changed. I know not from your perspective though.

However, i truly thank some people who've been nice and trying to be inclusive and stuff, i'm truly grateful for what they've done. Looking back, i've also never called, written a note or a card for any of  my classmate, because I know when I would write would be a bunch of insincere words - such as those you normally write in orientation. Again, something meaningless and I dislike it. Perhaps if there is a chance, and one day, i might pen thoughts that are genuine, for you.

I'll try to know you few more and make friends with singaporean classmates. but I've got to learn to warm up first - (isn't it ironic to decide to warm up with your class when everyone's graduating and going in different ways when life goes on in the coming years?)

Somebody has to make a move..... .. .. .

Company. 
Sometimes people wonder how others get affiliated and connect with each other - especially when both parties are supposedly "distant" from each other.

Personally, I think sometimes the magic to make people connect deeply/ click with each other is more than just the connections you have, but a mutual feeling. A feeling of trust, familiarity and comfort, perhaps. A nice way to put, chemistry.

I'm glad that in my position I have different groups of people whom I can hang out with discussing about different things and matters revolving our lives. No matter what, I cannot thank god enough for being a blessed human being, with a loving family and a nice circle of friends whom I can trust from different phases of my live. 

I'm particularly happy that I've been able to catch up with my friends during this period of real holiday - going out for sports and such. 

To me, I've felt that my JC years were torturous - I haven't found a more suitable word for it. It would mean a lot to an Achiever who felt the hardship and mental drain on the consequences of not achieving your goals. Nothing is impossible, but it really felt impossible to me. The higher your expect, the harder you fall, and I fell hard. It came to a point where I really have no idea what was better - to set a target, or not to? its a psychological battle but it really was a battle within me. No one was pressuring me, except for my desire, and it was killing me everytime I got back our results. It was closer towards the examination period where I felt closer to god and just not let unhealthy desire overwhelm me. Buddhism taught me: Desire Is Malicious.

However, through this craziest phase of my life, I've got myself a group of friends (subject mates and random school mates in general) who has made me feel more ME and they're just the best thing I've ever had - in school - besides teachers. Also, I've got really caring teachers around me too. despite feeling struggle academically, it was the greatest two years with their company as our friendship blossomed. 

On the contrary, during my junior high years, I felt kinda insecure with my classmates (and as a student, emotionally) and bonded so much more with the shooters. and it was these years that I felt I have been meeting my goals and targets. and it was these years which made me feel proud of being achiever.

No matter bad or good, I feel that no one is as good to judge if one has not been through what i've experienced. Despite crying a lot, I felt that it has made me stronger learning from my mistakes, misconceptions, sky-high expectations. It may have etched itself somewhere in my soul, but i'll take it with me, and move on as I go further in life. 

As I've mentioned somewhere before, life wouldn't be interesting if there weren't ups and downs. If I've never experienced what makes me feel depressed, would I be able to relive what is jubilation? I'm an open person. 

P.S. it is difficult to come up with a title to sum up this post with so many thoughts. I'm tempted to name it "thoughts 4, thoughts 5 or thoughts 6" but I note that i've done it so many times inclusive of draft posts and its just not useful to trace back what im writing about. back to the top?