Optimist, sunshine, nature, apples, clouds, animals, walking, being me, air-rifle, sketching, music, laughing with friends, reading, living each day to the fullest
'On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

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Everybody has their strength and weaknesses, right?

The thing that matters is that whether it is identified by the person in concern or not, and whether there are actions taken to resolve into the issue (weakness) and resources to develop the strength.

School has been rather rocky for me. Because I feel that I’m not genuinely happy every day I go to school. Then.. many questions pop out. Many things going on around me, some I may be aware, some I may not, some I don’t even care to be part of it. I’m really uncertain if making such ‘uncertainty’ in me is a normal thing. But I doubt anyone with the right mind will say so.
I mean, who likes the feeling of uncertainty? Moreover, I realized that I haven’t given myself any break. Nobody cares to give me a break. Do I need a break? “No, its okay, I can handle it.” “Well, I can still carry on; I’m still able to manage it well!” Am I just trying to please people? Am I doing this because I live in self-denial? Put on a brave front? Am I doing this, because I hope things would just be fine and not screw up for me, because I don’t want things to go backward, when I have pushed it so far forward already? I don’t want things to mess up. Yet, I feel that inside me, things are getting a little messy too… I want people to see me as a strong person, who can handle people and matters of consequence well. Matters of consequence...

If I could be like The Little Prince.

As a grown up living in such a society, I ought to prepare myself for the strong gust of wind blowing against the sail going forward. I ought to take matters more seriously, and spend more time thinking about the consequences if something happens. But sometimes, being so concerned about consequences, might just make you lose the courage to even carry out what you intended to do in to do in the first place. I won’t let that interfere me. I have to make myself know about the seriousness every action may take you. Sometimes I don’t even understand why I care about how people judge me. Appearances may be deceiving. And I may deceive you, too. Sometimes, I feel that it is because of what people want me to be, that make me feel that I ought to live up to their expectations. It’s a good thing, and another bad thing too. It is good maybe because it’s a motivation for me to strive to be a better person and not let them down. But it is bad because I leave myself with no alternative to talk to anyone, anybody but myself. Reflecting upon my actions. Looking at my reflection. And see that me. I used to be able to trust people, people who I believe, genuinely cares, and cares to make people and themselves happy. Not just because it is a responsibility, not because of my presence, but because they want me to. Cheer up. I really miss the people who I spend time with from 13 to 14 years old. Maybe it was because of our age, that made everything easier, simplified, less complex, even when there is consequence, you can handle it ok, or at least people would have more understanding in you. But now… ?

There is a Chinese phrase: “闭门造车”, it has the meaning along the line where you coop yourself up, drawing a division between you and the rest of the world, turning away from reality. Maybe it is because I don’t want to let anybody down. Maybe it is because I don’t want to worry anybody, not even my parents nor my sister. Maybe it is because I can never put my trust entirely on any of my friend. Maybe it is because… I just don’t want anyone to know of my weakness. Just trying to cover it up, hide it, make everything seem ok, and that’s it? I don’t even know if allowing you to read this has consequences or not, but I think it does. Please don’t be disappointed in me. I need your courage. I need you to lecture me, for me to wake up my mistake. And, I also need your understanding that not every human is perfect in every way. I try to be as perfect as possible, but. But. I make mistakes too, sometimes and not too often I presume. But, it is really difficult to find any friend that can understand me, keep secrets as they meant to be kept, and also really difficult to find one who I Really trust. Because. I. Don’t. Know. I trust myself best. Yet, it is often the genuinely understanding part that makes me draw a line between someone who I can bother to trust or just be plain friends. Sometimes, a plain friend can also switch places with someone who I genuinely trust as time determines it all… does it? Maybe things can change. Maybe just maybe. I sincerely say that I have made really, really wonderful friends in NJC. Some classmates, mostly scholars, clubmates, teammates, schoolmates, seniors, juniors, teachers. But when I think of whom to look for, who to seek for a good piece of advice, with the words I really wanted… who? I’m just confused within myself, doesn’t really matter.

My weakness is being unable to fully control my emotions, how to get over it? Is there any feasible plan to get over and done with it, to cancel it out from my “weakness” column? I seriously, cannot think of any. Any one has ideas? Such unfeasible plans like: “cry less than 2 times a month” is not going to work out for me. Actually, I know that crying is not a sign of weakness. But people think otherwise, if u see someone cry, wouldn’t your heart go for them and feel sorry of them. I believe I need not much of any sorry feelings toward me, but I would appreciate a word of encouragement to bring me to my feet after a fall, to tell me to be careful and not trip over, again. It would work twice as better that way.
In anyway, I’ll not remember this matter, but remember the lessons learnt from it.. to be more meticulous. I’m will not make myself affected because of it.


NB:
Be passionate and enthusiastic about the direction you go in life. I still love the world. back to the top?